Every last detail, except that the note was written on a breast pad, that seemed an intimacy too far. I told her how guilty I felt about Lindy, and how my emotions were swinging backwards and forwards. I wondered what her reaction would be, remembering the absolute devastation the loss of her only daughter had caused two years before. I knew that she had, and still was, suffering as much as I was.She held my hand in both of hers. “Max, are you sure your emotions weren’t swayed by the baby or the breastfeeding, I know how close you and Belinda were over that: you don’t think that perhaps you had an overwhelming need just to care for them. I know how much you loved my daughter. I will always love you for that, but she’s not coming back, and she wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer these agonies. It’s been two years. Belinda used to tell me often that it was love at first sight for both of you. You only knew this girl for eight or nine hours. Was it anything like that with her?”I managed. It felt like whenever I’d lie down, I’d get a page or a phone call about some patient needing my attention. The constant, sudden, and forceful awakenings through out the night leave you more fatigued then if you’d just stayed up the entire time.I adjust my pants and shuffle through my poorly kept lawn towards my back wooden stairs – shuffling being the only ambulation I can muster with any vigor. The bottom hem of my ill fitting scrub pants – they never have my size – brushes against the uneven ground.. After a quick, wobbly, almost stuporous walk, I reach the stairs leading up to my apartment. A flight of stairs that on any other day would be a molehill looks positively mountainous. I grab the railing hard for support and pull, trying to augment my legs as much as I can. My calf muscles tighten up and ache. Halfway up the stairs they scream in protest and I now, rather than just holding the railing, am hugging it and leaning against it with all my weight. Slowly, one step after the.
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